An elderly patient needed a heart
transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which
one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in
an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The
third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30
years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why
he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that
hadn’t been used.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she
needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon
would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she
would prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that
will cost you $10,000.
“What?” she replied incredulously. “If a surgeon's brain only
costs $500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?”
“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2
pounds of brain?” the doctor replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a
deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it
best to lie on?” she asked.
“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
“Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to.
“You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers
everywhere.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up,
helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip
flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who
closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice
when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a
bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared
the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a
bill from the lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-rayed instead.
“Oh, no!” cried the lab technician. “Your reproductive organs
just received a dose of radiation!”
“What does that mean?” asked the worried young man.
“It’s serious,” replied the technician. “All your children will
be lawyers.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a
particularly slow group of golfers.
"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a
word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow. aren't they?"
"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let
them play here anytime free of charge!"
Everyone was silent for a moment.
Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer
for them tonight."
"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if
there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.
"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God decided to take the devil to
court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you
think you’re going to find a lawyer?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A well-known evangelist of the last century, Lorenzo Dow,
arrived in a Kansas town one very cold winter night. Looking for
heat, he went into the general store.
Around the stove were gathered the local lawyers, talking shop,
and not about to let a stranger in to share the warmth.
When finally able to introduce himself, he mentioned that he’d
had a vision in a dream a short time before. “Like Dante’s
immortal traveler, I was given a tour of Hell.”
“Well, Mr. Dow, what did you find there?” inquired one of his
listeners.
“The same thing I find here,” replied the preacher. “All the
lawyers right in the hottest place.”
They moved over and made room for him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The devil visited a young lawyer’s office and made him an offer.
“I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll
increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you;
your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of
vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in
return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their
children’s souls must rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “What’s the catch?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister
asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you
an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the
father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of
lawyers,' so I let it go."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he
died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the
body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal
illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t
take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser
finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with
him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and
withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up
in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases
stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should
have had me put the money in the basement.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between
two lawyers.
-- Danish proverb
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By some miracle we still don't understand, a lawyer found
himself in the very long serving line of a cafeteria in Heaven.
As the newest arrival, he was at the end of the line.
From out of nowhere, a man dressed in a very expensive suit and
equally expensive shoes grabbed a tray and proceeded to barge
into the line at the head of it.
This naturally irritated the new arrival and, unable to let it
go unnoticed, blurted out, "Where does that lawyer get off
playing God?"
"Hush," said the woman ahead of him, "that's God pretending to
be a lawyer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the
devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw
a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful
woman.
“That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity,
and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”
“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.
“Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a
room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed
and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After
examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and
said, “I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at
a different speed?”
“They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth,”
replied the devil. “What’s your second question?”
“Well,” said the lawyer. “I can’t seem to find my occupation.
Where is the lawyers’ clock?”
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. “Oh, yes!” he finally
exclaimed. “We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a
fan.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery,
he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”
“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We
didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a
while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey,
things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake
-- he should never have gone down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly and somewhat
hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s
office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estate is very
complex,” said the lawyer, “but I’ve made sure that all of your
wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is
$4500.”
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a
long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500,” the old man
wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake,
the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking
lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked
at the check and decided to accept the situation
philosophically. “Oh well,” she said to herself, “$500 for one
hour’s work isn’t bad.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were
gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In
his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a
custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something
to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a
hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did
the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for
$300.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd
been there eight hours.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee
schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was
financially hard to get back on your feet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
They both enjoy carving up the pie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Your lightbulb or theirs?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“In the law, the only thing certain is the expense.”
-- Samuel Butler
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to
pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do
God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at
the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the
barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The
next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to
his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The
next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free
haircut.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My lawyer suggested that before I criticize someone, I walk a
mile in his shoes. That way, the lawyer told me, I'll be a mile
away from him, and I'll have his shoes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St.
Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake -- he was only 49
and far too young to be dead.
“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve
billed you’re 119 years old.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first
one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second
squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You
shouldn’t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the
lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut
in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was
foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the
meat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We used to joke about “Having the best judge money can buy.” No
more. Today, by the time you get through paying your lawyer, you
don’t have anything left for a judge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they
qualify for admittance to heaven.
“Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?” he asks one of
the men, who had been a butler.
“I was a good father,” he answers.
“Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so
bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.”
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked
him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good
care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been
an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named
BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and
said, “C’mon, Penny, let’s get out of here.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt
by demanding double the payment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid
hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles
on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last
year a lawyer gave me $1000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated
personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of
expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill
was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my
lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next
fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the
ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to
cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied.
"But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their
children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has
invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of
countless patients.”
The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has
developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of
homes with absolutely no pollution.”
“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has
discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill
clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer
went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail.
But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go
to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the
man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is money green?
Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to
himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car,
not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously
survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're
bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Client: Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will
you answer three questions for me?
Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis
of newly discovered evidence.”
Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”
Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You’re a cheat!” shouted the client to his lawyer. “You’re a
scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my
case alone!”
“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I
named my new yacht after you.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in
making money.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and
thinking about your case: $25.00.’”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one
could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because
I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He
asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,”
he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he
wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million
dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1
million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to
Mars.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old
legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we
had $100 when we broke in!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current
case:
“It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the
beneficiaries.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in
a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant
answered, “No, we won.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some academics, discussing the Gulf War with a general, were
keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
“Well,” said the general, “we had a crack regiment at the most
sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of
lawyers. When the time came, we ordered them to charge -- and
boy, did they know how to charge.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker
noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't
made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year
so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution
to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show
that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery
once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir,
I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in
a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm
terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the
job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of
normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry
sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why
should I give it to you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed
home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old
McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, I gave that to
you as an annuity for life.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer
to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side.
Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street
and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it
wasn't you. --- $50.00."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following true story from a woman in San Diego proves that
jokes can never compete with real life when lawyers are
involved:
“I received a speeding ticket while I was employed as a legal
secretary to a sole practitioner. The attorney I worked for
offered to appear in court for me as a favor (he felt guilty for
underpaying me over the six years I assisted him). When the
judge asked what my plea would be, he said, ‘Your honor, my
client pleads guilty to the speeding violation, but I ask that
you dismiss the fine because my client cannot afford to pay it;
she isn’t making very much money at this time.’
“The judge asked, ‘ What does your client do for a living?’
“‘Your honor,’ my boss replied, ‘she is my secretary.’
“At this point the whole courtroom erupted into laughter -- and
the judge dismissed the fine.
“I no longer work for this attorney; I’m looking for a
higher-paying position!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer
was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if
he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could
observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his
father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him
decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought
this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a
rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s
clothing. He said,
“Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of
town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals,
including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked
after them. And I was always given the understanding and the
belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has
died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since
the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are
his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take
your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man,
was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I
own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who
has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the
animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me
because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the
tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and
cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the
cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take
your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but
express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law,
but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these
cows.”
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be
ours!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Partners at a big law firm gather for a picture at their annual
dinner. All look glum.
The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but
none work.
Finally, inspiration hits. “Just say ‘fees,’” he says.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my
fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the
next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds
like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Running into a lawyer’s private office, a butcher yelled
angrily, “If a dog steals a hunk of meat from my shop, is his
owner obligated to pay?”
“Sure,” replied the lawyer.
“Okay then, your dog just stole half a rib roast worth $20 from
my shop.”
“Give him the other half,” said the lawyer, “and it will cover
my consultation fee.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman sat down next to a lawyer
at a bar and said to him, “I’ll do absolutely anything you want
for $50.”
The lawyer got out the $50 instantly and said, “Paint my house!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I decided law was the exact opposite of sex; even when it was
good it was lousy.”
-- Mortimer Zuckerman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and his attractive female client are in private
consultation.
"Kiss me," she says.
"No," replies the attorney, "that would be unprofessional."
"Oh, please, just kiss me," she whispers.
"No, I can't. It would be a violation of professional ethics,"
the lawyer says.
"Oh, I really want you to kiss me," she murmurs.
"No, I can't! Don't ask me to," says the lawyer. "I probably
shouldn't even be screwing you!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer who was so lazy that he married a
pregnant woman?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear they came out with a new Barbie doll called
"Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
same service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally
managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs
of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an
infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were
pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have
gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s a good wedding present for a lawyer who marries a snake?
Towels marked Hiss and Hiss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She: You just don’t care anymore!
He: You’re just upset. Why don’t I buy you something to make you
feel better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to Europe?
She: No.
He: What about a new Jaguar?
She: No.
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that
he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
“Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.
“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest
six months of your life.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is doing business with a lawyer almost like having sex while
using a condom?
Because you enjoy a wonderful feeling of safety and security
while you know you're being screwed!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer trying to get tickets to Rent, the blockbuster show of
the year, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in
advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of
the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such
a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his
wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have
relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied,
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a
singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist,
at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the
next, pretty much the same thing happened.
Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard
much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and
explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of
the women patrons seemed to prefer them.
The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found
attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and
Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found
himself testing the softness of her feather bed.
As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey,
this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half
and I'm already screwing someone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of sex?
Because it’s all bad and some is worse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset,
telling him, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45!” The
lawyer replied, “I’m right on time. I said I’d be home by a
quarter of twelve.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers met at a cocktail
party.
“How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance
for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was
already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Everybody in my family follows the medical profession,” said
John. “They’re all lawyers.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new
Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies
for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution
provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing
to the scene.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer
who is still going around passing out business cards.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when
he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live
to be 100."
That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he
began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time
to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the
homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his
services, he was hit by a bus and killed.
Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You
promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very
first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am.
Why?"
"I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking
bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled
out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy --
you’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to
outrun you.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to
his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he
would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a
week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer,
eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time,
getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they
were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The
lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend,
however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his
Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local
sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced
back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was
plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family. He just
had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there.
“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The
sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim,
and shot the female. “What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the
lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!” “Exactly,” replied
the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that
the Czech was in the male?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you define double jeopardy?
When a lawyer calls in her partner.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under
him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not
noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.
Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney’s mind:
“Do I tell my partner?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.
His wife asks, “What’s the matter?’
“My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green,” the lawyer
replied.
“That’s terrible,” said his wife.
“You’d better believe it,” the lawyer said. “After that it was
nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag
Henry....”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly
one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go
back to the office -- I forgot to lock the safe!”
“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both
here.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, "Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now."
"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."
-- Burl Ives
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law
firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique
oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give
each of you
just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the
Bahamas,
driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."
Poof! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one
side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He’s gone.
"You’re next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.
“Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife
for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter, Hillary. On
top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m
the one who put arsenic in your martini.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his
law school tuition would be a problem.
“No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.”
“Really,” said the interviewer. “What case was that?”
“Uh -- well, my dad sued me for it and won.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will
be more lawyers than humans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the
streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from
the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard
on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged
through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late
for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was
holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his
regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to
the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and
after a while leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes
before you did."
-- David Levin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
Law school.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better
students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you
go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and
convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights,
claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange,
together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all
rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and
otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without
the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever
nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
notwithstanding...’”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the banker who went to law school?
Now she’s a loan shark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A checker at the local video rental outlet noticed that there
were an inordinate number of requests for Linda Blairs' old
movie "The Exorcist." He recognized a couple students from his
pre-law class and asked what the attraction was. They told him
they thought it would be perfect for their studies, since
possession is 9/10th of the law.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anonymous saying written on a law school wall:
"In law school, time is meaningless; but in time, law school is
meaningless."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When applying to medical school, prospective doctors must show
that they are caring and compassionate. This is so the medical
school will be able to measure its progress as it erases these
qualities.
This also explains why applicants to law school must prove that
they are honest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two of the top partners of a top Houston personal-injury law
firm were wooing a hot, young, Ivy League, law school graduate,
whom they wanted to recruit very badly.
The firm flew him down, gave him the grand tour, showed him the
fabulous suite he'd have, as well as the car and other perks.
The grad took all this in, was duly impressed, and told the two
partners, "This is all very impressive, and quite generous, but
before I could commit to you I have to know one thing: what kind
of pro bono program does the firm have?"
The two partners looked at each other, back at the grad, and
asked for a minute to confer. In the corner of the conference
room, they huddled briefly, then seemed to come to a consensus.
They walked back over to the young graduate; whereupon the
older, very distinguished partner said, "What's pro bono?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason law schools have been described as “a place for the
accumulation of learning” is that first-year students bring some
in, third-year students take none out -- and so knowledge
accumulates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally
and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the
job interview, each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith
answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of
being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn,
Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and
laid it on the senior partner’s desk. “I want to fatten it up as
fast as possible,” she said. Sally got the job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his
clients from others of his profession.”
-- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake
him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
Both have hearts like stones.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was
boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so
realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of
the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman
present blurted out, “It’s obvious that the left one is phony!”
The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered,
asked the layman how he knew. He replied, “Why, it’s easy, the
fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves
around him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors.
Children who come before they are called will grow up to be
lawyers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be
almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.”
-- Will Rogers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support
two.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
She has an extreme craving for baloney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical
residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and
drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best
surgical patients:
The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em
up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”
“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and
everything is alphabetized.”
The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants.
You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.”
“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s
lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass
and the brain are interchangeable.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a lawyer?
A mouth with a life-support system.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifty-Four.
* 8 to argue
* 1 to get a continuance
* 1 to object
* 1 to demur
* 2 to research precedents,
* 1 to dictate a letter
* 1 to stipulate
* 5 to turn in their time cards
* 1 to depose
* 1 to write interrogatories
* 2 to settle
* 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
* 28 to bill for professional services
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need -- but you can’t understand a word
of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Personally, I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an
act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And
his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer.”
-- Will Rogers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.”
-- Ambrose Bierce
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job.
The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a
consultant," the lawyer said.
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.
"I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer
said. "I'll be an advisor."
"We have enough advisors," the contractor said.
By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he
said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort
of like a clerk."
"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.
With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned
toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to
be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow."
"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor.
"Do sit down."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and
those that know the judge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn’t think she’s a lawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
Vampires only suck blood at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good... even
when they try.”
-- Charles E. Sherman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a
brief.”
-- Franz Kafka
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were
relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing
nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the
dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.
The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight
sonata. The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform
calculations in the dust.
The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was
the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a
physician removed Adam’s rib to create Eve. The engineer
disagreed and said, “Of course, an engineer had to have
constructed the Garden of Eden.”
“I have you both beaten,” the lawyer gloated. “Before Adam and
Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a
state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine
print.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft
is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing
in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to
show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man
walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”
The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer
says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”
The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”
The first says, “That’s easy. The information he gave us was
accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others.”
-- James Gibbons Haneker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients.
The first said: “I like artists. When you cut them open, they
are awash with color inside.” The second doctor said: “I much
prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly
and numbered.” “Nonsense,” said the third doctor. “The easiest
are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their
mouth -- and those are interchangeable.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“There are three sorts of lawyers -- able, unable and
lamentable.”
-- Robert Smith Surtees
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law
degree.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.
And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day a lawyer remarked to a friend, “I just finished a
puzzle and it only took me five months.”
“Five months?” her friend asked. “That seems like an awfully
long time to do a puzzle.”
“Not at all,” she explained. “The box says 6 to 12 years.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.
"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.
"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the
locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the
lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice
as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The State's Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he
noticed a sign, "Caribbean Cruise -- $99.00". He stopped and
bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head,
wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a
ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the
river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's
Attorrney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
The State's Attorney replied, "They didn't last year!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the
courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant
6’8”, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was
a lawyer.
“You? A lawyer?” said the huge attorney. “Why, I could put you
in my pocket.”
“Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did,
you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your
head.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the
senior partner of the law firm complained, “I wish they’d be
more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client
coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, “I’m
sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won’t be able to
look into this for at least a month.”
He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and
asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”
“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m just here to hook up your
phone.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the
question: “Have you ever been arrested?”
He answered “no.”
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding
question yes, was “why?” Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it
“Never got caught.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the clever multi-millionaire who figured out
a way to be sure his family actually ended up with most of his
fortune?
How did he do it?
Left one-third of his millions to one of the smartest probate
lawyers in the country on the condition that the other
two-thirds ended up going to his family.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of
tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them
to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they
must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant. He
noted prices were different for brains available from various
donors. A doctor’s brain was $500, a banker’s brain was $1,500
and a scientist's brain was $2,500. Then he noticed a brain in
the far recesses of the room that had a price tag of $50,000.
When he inquired about the unusually high price, the surgeon
replied, “Oh, that’s a lawyer’s brain -- it’s never been used!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, “When
I address the jury, I’ll plead for clemency.”
“Nothing doing!” shouted his partner. “Let Clemency get his own
lawyer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Education is worth a whole lot. Just think -- with enough
education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer --
and so would the average lawyer.”
-- Gracie Allen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer’s job is secure -- who would build a robot to do
nothing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a
lawyer’s.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does
it take for a lawyer?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are
drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in
sand?
Not enough sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction
site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died
and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting
crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that
there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to
answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that
crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would
have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the
gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that
heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would
bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How
many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That
happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of
stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about
which side to spit on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a
well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued Lawyer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why
lawyers cost so much.
The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of
those devils, you would understand.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and
decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but
was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was
non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and
I don’t want to see it again.”
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around
the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats
appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly
overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge
railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow
into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short,
saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man
quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if
you had a brass lawyer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande
from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward
was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger
decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the
bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you
hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted
out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in
back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You
wouldn't dare shoot me.'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be
impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge
remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was
always so punctual and polite."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and
California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for
research?
Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second,
the researchers don’t get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate
the test results to human beings.
Response:
C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab
rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why
researchers prefer lawyers to rats:
1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)
2. They are easier to train.
3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one,
too.)
4. There are some things a rat won’t do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle.
Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his
surprise, a genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle,
I will grant you three wishes," said
the genie.
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your
wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you
asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in
front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two
Ferraris," said the genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer,"
the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third
wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted
to donate a kidney."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the
Equator, then...
Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make
the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old
carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having
lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage.
The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met,
they would release one lawyer every hour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the
traditional six (feet)?
A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks
in cement?
Not enough cement.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after
work.
“I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out
I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they
do that?”
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested,
“Maybe it just saves time.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the
Titantic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty
custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers
of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same
time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are
identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a
blue suit.
Question: Who hits the bay first?
Answer: Who cares?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but
instead of a jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion.
Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the
man, “What’s going on?”
“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,” is the reply.
“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a
lawyer I’d like to have eaten.”
“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said
the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve
just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal
lawyers.”
“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life
and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one
has been able to prove it yet.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he
saw walking
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking
along the
road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP".
Then he
would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a
priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the
truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the
priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down
the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down
the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he
remembered there
was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the
road and
narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was
very surprised
and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt
really guilty
about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm
really sorry
Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the
priest.
"I got him with the door."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no
survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty
seats, that’s a shame.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer
for my 'gator."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as
could be. They went to church only when circumstances required
them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be
made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the
church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased
would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the
contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy
accurately described the life and character of the deceased,
identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion,
the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying,
"but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is
always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is
“snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s
about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a
lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you
root for?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
-- William Shakespeare
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to wonder why so many lawyers wore turtleneck shirts.
Turns out I had it all wrong.
Lawyers don't wear turtlenecks -- they're just uncircumcised!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A quote from Evelle J. Younger:
"An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years.
A competent attorney can delay one even longer."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't
think they're jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Necessity knows no law, I know some lawyers are the same.”
-- Benjamin Franklin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The law is an ass.”
-- Charles Dickens
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot
a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course,
the other three are mythological creatures.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men
sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but
eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the
three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician,
agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned
and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn
and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked
up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he
returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible
for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly
picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer
answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the skinniest book ever published?
Legal Ethics.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and
was asked to deliver a prayer. Unprepared, he gave a prayer from
a lawyer’s heart: ‘Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord,
lest thy servant perish.’”
-- Senator Sam Ervin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts
were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor
lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the
lawyer saying, ...
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An experienced editor trying to explain the newspaper to a cub
reporter:
"You can't sell any papers with a 'dog bites man' story, but
'Client Runs Off with Attorney's Funds" -- why, that would sell
out a special edition."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs.”
-- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I, Lucius Titus, have written this, my testament, without any
lawyer, following my own natural reason rather than excessive
and miserable diligence.”
-- The Will of a Citizen of Rome
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A quote attributed to Founding Father John Adams in the play
“1776”: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is
called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or
more become a Congress.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
St. Yves is from Brittany
A lawyer but not a thief
Such a thing is beyond belief!
-- 14th century rhyme
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.
“How’s it going?” he was asked.
“Not too bad,” he replied. “I still have my lantern.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character.”
-- Woodrow Wilson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For a good time, hire a hooker,
For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
-- Anonymous prison cell graffiti
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Imagine the appeals dissents and remandments if lawyers had
written the Ten Commandments.”
-- Harry Bender
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the
first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a New England society dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had
just finished a piquant address when Mr. Evarts arose, shoved
both of his hands down into his trousers’ pockets, as was his
habit and laughingly remarked: “Doesn’t it strike this company
as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be
funny?” Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this
sally had subsided, and then drawled out: “Doesn’t it strike
this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his
hands in his own pockets?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and
asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance
proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the
flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a
flood?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyers don’t tan, they just appeal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
The cats keep covering them up with sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a
beach resort?
Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the
scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle.
Suddenly, she stepped in something soft.
“Honey!” she shouted to her husband. “I’m melting!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a
luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high
school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow’s hand and said: “Hello,
Pete. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these
days?”
“I’m practicing law,” whispered Pete. “But don’t tell mother.
She thinks I’m still a pimp.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer seeks console from his
Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive
drinking.
Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you
have to promise me that you will stop drinking."
Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!"
A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a
neighborhood bar.
Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again."
Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water."
Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."
The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and
says, "My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is
wine.”
Lawyer: “Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has
come, the water has changed into wine!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had
narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist
and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much
is two plus two?”
The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered,
“Four, plus or minus one.”
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned
silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a
hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want
it to be?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me
truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this
morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents
did for a living. “Billy, you be first,” she said, “What does
you mother do all day?” Billy stood up and proudly said, “She’s
a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a
mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father,
Tim?”
Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the
bell. Tim’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what
his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Tim’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain
a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“A good lawyer is a great liar.”
-- Edward Ward
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“A lawyer is a liar with a permit to practice.”
-- Anonymous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf?
Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying
involved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription
he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this
state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same
grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the
lawyer.
“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it
and exclaim “That’s Strange!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and
ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and
ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time,
until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender
he’d had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the
pocket business?”
“Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and
when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.”
Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One juror overheard saying to another...”You’ll notice that
neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the
truth!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of
them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go
straight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the
study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as
a lawyer interprets the truth.”
-- Jean Giradoux
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity
have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of
mystery.”
-- Samuel Goldwyn
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she
realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began
interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of
the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr.
Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen
thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny
the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the
money."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each
other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained
in an accident.
In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said
the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several
months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule
Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However,
I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over
to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with
his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you
have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused
because she was prejudiced.
“I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester
suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”
“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was
strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I,
therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return
a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I
saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client
didn’t."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!”
Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”
Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us
proceed.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and
saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?"
her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied,
"Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.”
-- Cicero
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed
he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating
this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the
defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step
down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor
how hard he had pushed the victim.
Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility
of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly
hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.
The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he
started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he
had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.
“I pushed the victim in this case about 1/20th that hard.”
The jury unanimously acquitted him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We heard of a lawyer who said, in the summation of his case,
“And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have
another argument that is equally conclusive.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A musical lawyer that I know never lost a case. Whenever he
questioned the appropriateness of testimony, with a long drawn
out “Objectioooo.....n,” the judge had to admit it was
sustained.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury
hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case.
When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose
and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by
my learned opponent and submit this case to you without
argument.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say
it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going
to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said
it, I was going to say it first.”
-- A lawyer speaking to a judge
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“It’s better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law.”
-- Chinese proverb
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Court: A room wherein are commonly found large numbers of
thieves, rapists, muggers, arsonists, perverts, degenerates and
lawyers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy, a lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder
that had been brought by the state. The jury was out for several
days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had had a
very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things
his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied. "The other eleven wanted to
acquit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man charged with stealing a car was acquitted at his trial.
Later the same day, he went back to the courtroom and approached
the judge.
“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that
crooked lawyer of mine.”
“Why?” asked the judge. “She won your acquittal. What do you
want to have her arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied the man, “I didn’t have the money to
pay her fee, so she went and took the car I stole.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there is the old story involving the theft of some
chickens:
The Judge: Are you the defendant?
Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim
to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast.
Will you tell the jury what she said?”
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to
whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the
judge allowed it.
“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question:
What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after
breakfast on December 3rd?”
“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things
like, “I think the light was yellow,” or, “I think it was still
raining.”
The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, “We
don’t care what you think. What do you know?”
The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “Then
I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer, I
can’t talk without thinking.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two
lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse
when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile
old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the
zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and
completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is
it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you
with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other
is a house pet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two tigers were walking single file along a jungle trail. The
rearmost tiger wandered off the trail for a few minutes, then
reappeared. A few moments later, the front tiger felt what
seemed to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his
tail. The tiger disapproved of this action, but didn’t want to
start anything by bringing it up. Then the tiger felt the tongue
again, and in the same place. He decided to confront the tiger
behind him, and asked, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”
That tiger replied, “Yes, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer
and was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is
a fish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into
a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and
nightcrawlers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two
cats.”
-- Benjamin Franklin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are lawyers like beavers?
They get in the mainstream and dam it up.
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Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
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What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wing-tips off at night.
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A lawyer walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender looked up
and noticed what looked like a frog growing out of the side of
the side of the lawyer’s head. The bartender looked at the
lawyer and said "Oh, my goodness -- how did such an awful thing
happen?" Before the lawyer could say anything, the frog spoke up
and said, "Well, it started off as a small wart on my fanny and
it grew into this awful thing."
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
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What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Well, no, actually.
A herd of buffalo is forced to eat a load of grass to make a
pile of bullshit.
A lawyer forces you to eat a load of bullshit to MAKE a pile of
grass ...
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None, actually. Both generate thunderous piles of excrement,
LOUDLY, while charging non-stop.
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One tramples you underfoot while charging non-stop. The other we
wiped out in the 1800s.
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One will skin you alive to death.
The other we skinned alive to death.
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If you meet a herd of buffalo in mid charge you can survive it.
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One we shot from trains.
The other we should have. And cars and planes ...
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One we nearly made extinct.
The other nearly made us extinct.
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We tanned the hides of the four footed type.
The other keeps tanning ours.
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One is half bull, half cow.
The is full of bull, and cows everything else.
And in both cases the bulls screw the cows as much as possible.
After milking as long as possible.
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A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.
He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in
particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: “Mister, watch what
you say. You’re in horse country.”
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What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick drops off when you are dead.
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A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
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What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
You can make a pet out of the snake.
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The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its
horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the
lawyers are milking it.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
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How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead
lawyer lying on the highway?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
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Do you know why a rattlesnake will not bite a lawyer?
Professional courtesy!
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A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road
one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said,
"you're soft and fuzzy and